Fin de siècle, or Now What?

I have one exam left on Wednesday, but I've found it impossible to study today. I'm burned out after the first four. Must get going tomorrow morning.

Anyway, the existential angst is rising. The bottom line: after Wednesday, What Do I Do? All my life I've had something ahead of me; I didn't realise at the time what a comfort that was. Yes, I'm going to Toronto in September, but there's nothing structured about that either. What Do I Do there? Or for the next three months? Or when I return from Canada?

It's not just the lack of direction in my own life; my whole social scene is about to dissipate. Sure, I'll see plenty of them around over the summer, but even then, it'll be far less frequent. And what about the ones leaving? Most of my closest friends - and plenty more besides - are about to disappear to foreign lands. When will I see them again? A year? Two? Five?! On top of that, I'm about to vanish for a year myself. It could be longer than that if, upon my return, I head straight back off to Britain for postgrad. I won't see my Irish friends for at least 12 months, possibly a multiple of that. So those friendships are going to be affected too. Whoa.

It's been brought home to me in the last few days. In six days, my long-term sidekick in Economics is leaving. We've seen each other practically every day for years now. I don't know when I'll next see her. It could be years. Another good college friend leaves for America soon. I might see him while I'm in Toronto, but it would be brief. One of the few (only?) friends left from my schooldays is emigrating to Australia in a few weeks. These are just the June departures. Even more vanish before September. I am going to really miss all these people.

But, you say, you yourself are off to Canada! You're not going to see anyone for a year, of your own volition! What's the big deal? Simple - I'm probably coming back here afterwards. When you throw yourself into a foreign land, you have to sink or swim. I'm going to get out there and meet a bunch of new friends. It'll be great! It's not like that when you're at home. There's a big difference between the two scenarios of all your friends leaving, and of leaving yourself. I'm not sure which is harder. The latter is a greater risk, and a greater challenge, but it's my choice, and the rewards are bounteous. The former is less risky, but is unchosen, and offers few rewards, if any.

Whew. I'm going to be saying a lot of goodbyes in September, but I know I'll be back (at least for a while), and that an amazing experience lies ahead of me. Before Saturday passes, and then over the succeeding weeks, I'm going to be saying just as many goodbyes; only in these cases, there is an air of finality. I may never see some of them again, and as for the rest, the time of reunion is distant and indeterminate.

I know they're off to a better life, but for my own part, it's scary. I guess this is the very feeling I'm soon to subject my own family and friends to. :)

Whew.

Aaaaaah. That feels so good. I've just come through a hardcore test of my academic credentials, and I haven't flunked it! My fourth 3-hour exam in five days went quite well. It wasn't first class, as I ran out of time, but 'twas good. There were two unseen essay questions to answer.

Why has Africa's overall economic performance been so dismal for the past 20 years and what can be done to improve its growth prospects?

Why do economies grow? Discuss.

The first one suited me down to the ground; I'm better at development and trade economics than (possibly?) anyone else in the year. So I wrote a six page spiel on that. Ran out of time toward the end, so my concluding two paragraphs were messy. Nevertheless, I'll spit blood if I don't get a First for that answer. The second question was highly theoretical, and I hadn't prepared for it. In fact, it's just the kind of topic I did miserably in on Thursday. I think I pulled through, but I didn't have time to finish my arguments. It was workmanlike, and another 10 minutes would really have helped. I probably pulled something between a 57 and a 62 for that answer. So I predict an average for the paper of a mid-high 2.1. That's fine. A First would have been nice, but my exams haven't worked out that way. They've been too compacted to devote the necessary revision to any single one.

So as it stands, three of the four exams have gone well. My overall 2.1 is safe, as is the 2.1 in the major. If I assume a 65-67 in my three good exams and a 56 in my bad one, then I'm on course for a 63-65% average in Economics, which would imply a 64-66% average in the overall degree. Hmmm. I'd really like a 66; a 66 in any course is generally considered equivalent to an A in an American university. That might matter in the future if/when I go for postgrad. For readers unfamiliar with the British & Irish system, I'm aware that my talk of 2.1s and Firsts might sound... confusing! It goes as follows: a First is above 70%, a 2.1 between 60 and 69, a 2.2 between 50 and 59, and a Third - pronounced Turd ;) - between 40 and 49. Apparently these are the conversions for individual course modules:

The following is a widely adapted system of equivalences:

Mark Equivalent grade
66%+ A
63-65% A-
61-62% B+
58-60% B
55-57% B-
52-54% C+
48-51% C
45-47% C-
40-44% D
0-39% F

Even for British or Irish colleges, a "high 2.1" (code for 66%+) is the benchmark for entry into all but the most competitive courses. From my limited research, a bare 2.1 (i.e. 60-61%) appears to be rated equivalent to a GPA of 3.1 or 3.2. So regarding the high 2.1, I'd surmise that such a mark in the final degree is interpreted as an A- rather than an A, implying a GPA-equivalent of 3.5 to 3.7. It'll do the job for me.

Anyway, I'm feeling good. Went for coffee and a bagel afterwards; had a chat and cleared our minds. I might even take a break from study for the rest of the day - I do have three whole days left to study for the next one. Not enough really... but if I go hardcore, I can wing a good 2.1. Scared about the Law questions. At least my background in Philosophy should give me an edge over the other economists. I don't mean that in a competitive sort of way; I just hope it carries me through the exam.

On a lighter note: if you ever need a boost, my finals have taught me that smoothies and cream cheese bagels are the way to go. Not together though; either one alone is sufficient!

Pulling through. The end is nigh.

Today's exam went well. Feeling much better now! So I have two mid-high 2.1s and a 2.2 in the bag now. Pure speculation, of course, but I'm generally able to predict my result to within 3 or 4 percent. I didn't quite get the last question finished today, but the three previous answers were definitely in the "very good to excellent" category. I needed that to go well. It's a big break for me.

So I'm more than half-way through my finals. I've the unseen general paper tomorrow, but I feel confident I can write two coherent essays on whatever topic comes up. Law on Wednesday still scares me, but a 2.1 tomorrow would guarantee me a 2.1 in Economics, regardless of Wednesday's outcome. I might still be on course for an average grade of around 65%, which is decent if unspectacular. Yesterday's result has destroyed any postgrad aspirations in (pure?) Economics, so I will have to look somewhere else. But that's a year and a half away, so I'm not going to fret too much. I should still be able to get into a Master's programme in Politics, History or Psychology, which were my other choices. If I do well in one of those, then a Ph.D. would be open to me if I wish.

I want so desperately to relax and have some fun, but I can't until Wednesday. The physical and mental strain is taking a definite toll. I haven't slept properly in a week; I've been averaging three hours a night since Sunday. If I had any money, I'd treat myself to a CD or something!

Whoa! I feel good! I [didn't know] that I would now.

Update: if anyone really cares, I added a couple more pre-Ball photos a little further down the page.

Coming home tonight, I felt grrreat. On a fine high! It's amazing what a productive day's study (and a wise selection of music on the bus ride home) can do. I worked in college from 12 until 11, with very few breaks. I feel like I've nailed most of the pure maths for Thursday. Tuesday's exam is more imminent, so tomorrow shall be even more hardcore. I plan a stint from 9am until 10pm.

I've found the most wonderful place to study. I've never been so productive. It literally is my ideal environment: a small atrium deep within the Hamilton (Science) block. It's serene, almost empty and amazingly airy. Sod's Law dictates that I'd only discover such a location the weekend before my finals. I'm very sensitive to my study environment; had I found this earlier, I would certainly be getting a First in my degree. Alas no.

Last night the bus journey home was traumatic. Two hours (11.30 - 1.30), with all kinds of nonsense. Tonight's was fine; I played some Morrissey, Interpol and Stone Roses before closing with a triple blast from Bruce Springsteen. Exactly what I needed - driving, air-punching, sing-along rock! Yes, that nut walking through North Dublin around midnight, singing out "Waitin' on a Sunny Day" with a dumb grin and not a care in the world... that might have been me. The song that came to an end as I fumbled for my keys: "Countin' on a Miracle". How apt!

I feel good. Now for four hours' sleep - here's hoping the adrenaline carries me through the next ten days!

Graduation is tedium.

My exams begin in just two and a half weeks. I also have a 20-page paper due next week. The combination is a little frightening.

Earlier in the week, a stack of information about my graduation ceremony squeezed through my letter-box. It's scheduled for the 13th of November; so as it stands, I won't be able to attend. The family are rather disappointed with that revelation; I'll be the first one on this side of the family to graduate from university. I might be able to switch to a different ceremony in early July, but there are bureaucratic obstacles. None of my class or friends would be graduating then, which would take all the fun out of the day.

Anyway! I'm nonplussed at missing my graduation, as it's a rather dull, pretentious and expensive affair. Trinity wouldn't be Trinity without ladling on the pretension. The ceremony is conducted entirely in Latin. The letter informed me that "children will find the proceedings long and tedious". Only children? ;)

OK, I confess - I'd like to go... but only to find out what my name is in Latin!

The degree parchments themselves are in Latin, but an English translation can be requested (no doubt for a fee). Photography ranges from €50 to €116, depending on requirements. €85 to hire the required clothing for its hour-long use, and another €98 just to be conferred with the degree! Grr. There's a "special dinner" at €30 per head. I know exactly what that food tastes like, so I shan't be paying. I would happily go for dinner somewhere else though. :) There aren't any dinners in July, so no dilemma arises.

It's all very meh. There are an infinite number of events which promise a lot more fun. If I was to be in Ireland in November, I'd love to go - to see everyone again and have a fantastic night. But I'm not going to be here, so... meh. I'm not spending a thousand euro just to fly back for it!!!

Decisions, decisions.

A long and wonderful phase of my life is drawing to a close. I'm talking about my college years; I've only a fortnight of lectures left. Furthermore, my exams will be over by the 31st of May. This really is the end, and it's terrifying!

I've been tied up in knots recently. Between college work, a thesis that went wrong, women (!) and trying to figure out what I want to do next year, everything's been a squelchy mental mess. I certainly want to do further study. The stress of the last few months is going to knock a few lumps out of my degree, but I still expect to get good grades. I won't ace the thing, that's all. So my grades ought to be strong enough to get me into most postgraduate courses. I've come to realise that, given my recent stresses, the élite colleges and the most competitive fields are closed to me. That's focussed my mind a lot. In fact, it's not such a bad thing. I know now that I don't want to be a professional economist. I don't think I want to study up to Ph.D. level in anything, though it's possible I'll change my mind.

So I've been looking at taking Masters or Diplomas in different disciplines. I've thought about psychology, literature, history and politics. I'm quite sure (at time of writing) that I'd like to take an M.Sc. in International Political Economy. Not so far from economics after all! Essentially, I'd be studying the interactions between politics and economics at an international level. But it's firmly rooted in politics, as opposed to economics. It's a niche field, but there are several good degrees being offered in Britain. LSE is out of my league, but the likes of Warwick, Durham, Manchester, Sussex and Bristol are viable options.

BUT - I'm not sure. It's a lot of money, it's a crucial decision, and I'm under a lot of pressure at the moment; so I've decided to take a year out. Now, what should I do with the next 12-15 months, eh? I could take a job up and move into the city. I could work for a few months in order to fund travel. I could even do some internships or work for NGOs. All so confusing. I do need some money to get by, and I really want to get into the city and share a place. Hate the outer suburbs. Hate them. And to add to the brew...

I discovered today that the Canadian visa programme is offering additional places. I'll need to make my mind up fast and apply, as it's very popular. If I do apply, I'll have a 12-month multiple-entry visa to work and travel in Canada. It begins whenever I arrive, which can be any time from 1st May to 31st December. Wow. A year in Canada sounds fantastic. A few friends are at a loose end as well, having decided to take a year out, so I'm going to see whether any of them are interested. This could be the time of my life! It's a big decision as well, so I need to weigh up the pros and cons. Honestly, there aren't any cons inherent in the idea, I'm thinking more about opportunity costs. In other words, what I'd miss out on by committing myself to this. But it's a great opportunity, and I'm enthused, so even though it's just popped into my head, I think there's a 60% chance I'll go for it! :)

Richard Murphy and Seamus Heaney

I found myself, almost accidentally, at a poetry reading in Trinity last night. The poet was Richard Murphy, of whom, I confess, I had never heard before. He was introduced by Seamus Heaney, who, by contrast, I certainly had read before (in school, alas). Having heard about the reading (just in time), I went along, because it's not every day you get to listen to a Nobel Prize winner!

Both men were skilled raconteurs, their speech peppered with wry and distant anecdotes. Tales and legends from the literary circles of yesteryear abounded. A dreary, po-faced poetry reading this was not. Though I'd expect nothing less from two wordsmiths in their sixties! Heaney read a couple of his own poems, but the main focus of the night was Murphy. Having never heard of him before, I was very impressed. I'll have to seek out one of his collections. Here's one of his poems, Moonshine: far from his best or longest, but memorable nonetheless. Only a poet could manage these words without falling flat.

An unexpected and enjoyable evening.