Bitching Brew

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

My stomach's in a knot.

That is all.

(In short.)

At length:

Cursed by last night's dreams and a morning full of portents. Troubled by my inability to focus - unable to study at all. My mouth was dry, I paced the room. Something momentous was coming; I knew not what. On hands and toes, I pushed my body up - up - up against the fearsome gravity. Twenty, thirty, fifty, seventy times - with each collapse, I hoped to drive away the aimless sense of foreboding and expectation. But futility prevailed.

What am I? Damned by desire, always damned by desire. Desires with direction; desires on every level.

Leafing through my lecture notes, I stumbled across a poem; the poem was scribbled in lieu of a mathematical derivation. The final lines tell all:
My heart's depart
My mind hath followed

I sit, still dry and twitchy. Did the moment come? Perhaps it did, for something found me. But it danced and deflected and drifted away, tugging all the while at my damned desire. I do try to seize the moment, but at times my hands are too wet. And y'know what? - the stupid rhymeless ditty came true. Again, my stomach's in a knot. The exams are a mere factor. I've been here before. Tormented, tormented, tormented!

This isn't depression I face. Depression is the abyss yawning before you. Depression is a vertigo. On the contrary, this torment is giddy. I am standing on a precipice, but I'm looking toward the sky in expectation, high as a kite. I'll walk forward and into the abyss without ever noticing, because the sky is so delightfully enthralling. I wonder what my body would sound like - slamming against those rocks? I'd hit the bottom with a crump, but my broken eyes would look with wonder at the far blue sky, even as they glaze before rotting in their shattered sockets.

My exams are next week. I'm ruined and I know it.

Don't get me wrong - I genuinely am not depressed. In fact, despite the little abyss theme I ran with I'm not downbeat at all. My shoulders are seasoned with ridiculous hope, but coupled with the understandable jitters in my feet, I'm twitchy as hell.

Tomorrow is going to be productive. I'm going to get up and out early. Before the library opens, I'll get breakfast and coffee with sanity. That ought to put me right for the day. It usually does. :)



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